Guard Harlan:
Hello, stranger! My wife just recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl!
The countless amusements of fatherhood fill me with indescribable joy... I just want to play peek-a-boo all day! I don't care if people laugh... I would do anything for my precious baby!
I see that you disapprove, but you must understand... My wife and I tried for 10 years to have a child! To finally have produced such a perfect baby would drive anyone to distraction!
You are obviously not a parent!
I'm sorry.